Please Learn How to Drive!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!

Can you tell how excited I am right now? My editor has green-lighted an article on a subject most dear to my heart: Despicable, selfish, abhorrent, obnoxious, but most importantly, stupid drivers/driving.

Nothing grinds my gears, nothing revs my engine, nothing toots my horn… OK, I’ll stop now… than this sensitive topic. I say sensitive because the moronic drivers that we ridicule and lambaste here could very well be  your mother, sister, father, or even you. It could be anyone, is what I’m saying. So, the intention of this post is to not only bring to light the many failures of simple driving in our society, and to unabashedly rip their self-respect to shreds like a rabid dog, but to also offer a hand in correcting our shortcomings on the road. We’re caring rabid dogs. We can laugh all we want, but ultimately the quality of driving on the roads of the world can use a major upgrade.

Here are some  videos that will illustrate the extent of idiocy that truly exists. The clips will surely bring you to smiles, or tears, depending on how passionate you are about driving (as we are).

1. First, we’ll start off with a quick video of a woman (of course) that does not seem to understand the idea of driving in straight line.

Ok, now that you saw that and wondered what that would look like from the guy downstairs’ perspective (I,m sure he crapped his pants). We can do a video breakdown and see where she went wrong:

• She stepped into her car that morning. That was the first mistake.
• The next mistake was actually not the drivers’. The mechanic himself should have pulled it in. When you see a driver that you might think would have trouble with extremely easy maneuvering, you should just tell her to get out and do it yourself. That would have saved him a headache. I’m sure the owner quickly made that the new policy.
• Her second mistake was a very simple error but it cannot be said enough how important it is to not overlook this detail. She did not roll down her window.  Any time an intelligent safe driver backs in to a tight area or pulls in to a small parking spot using a spotter, he/she must ALWAYS roll down the window to hear the spotter. It is not enough to just use the mirrors and to be looking at his hand waving around.
• The third mistake, and most egregious of them all, was obviously not aligning the car correctly. This comes from  not realizing the elementary principle of  “THE DRIVERS’ SEAT IS NOT IN THE FREAKIN’ MIDDLE OF THE CAR”. Ma’am, it is on the left side of the car. The passenger seat is on the right. So the middle of the car would be your armrest and radio console. Ever see a car on the highway literally driving on the line to right of it. That is because they are more than likely a new driver and have not gotten used the symmetry, alignment, and size of the vehicle. While a few weeks of this is understandable, why is it that older more experienced drivers have trouble with this? Anyway, one small tip would be to focus on the line on the left. So, when pulling up to a spot or driving on a highway you should get used to driving alongside the left line, almost perpendicular. This will naturally straighten out the vehicle.

That, was just one moron out of millions. We can obviously be here for months on every video or story but i tried to choose ones that are both funny and common. This way, even if one person learns something and makes the road a safer, more efficient drive for someone behind them, it would all be worth it.

Next, we have for a woman (of course) that doesn’t understand the uncomplicated concept of gas pump length:

I didn’t think people could be that stupid either.

I know what you are thinking. This technically does not have anything to do with driving, but it’s car-related and stupid-related, so it goes in. This woman is either the thickest person in the history of thick people or she was just having an epically bad day. Now lets break this foolishness down:

• To me, she made just 2 mistakes, but those 1 of those mistakes are rarely found in human society. First mistake was not knowing which side her tank is on. That is obviously a mistake that happens all the time, but her actions indicate it’s probably not the first time this happened.
• The second mistake is the much more severe of the two, but, poor woman, much harder to remember. IF THE TANK IS ON THE OTHER SIDE  WHEN YOU GET OUT OF YOUR CAR TO FILL UP, TURN YOUR FREAKIN CAR AROUND!!! i mean come on are you serious!!??!! really!! really!!THAT was the decision you  made? not oh, i should probably flip around to the other side so i can fill up like a sane, mentally sound, reasonable person, no, no instead i’ll try and stretch the g-ddamn hose till it either snaps off or  slingshots me back like a rag-doll (which is, of course what ended up happening- the god of comedy blessed us that day- thank you chris farley, thank you). She deserved it.

The next one is another woman (this is not intentional, I swear, it’s just that most of the bad driver videos on youtube are women, ok, actually all of the videos are women but who’s counting) trying her darndest to pull out of a spot.

I will start the commentary off by asking a question. How many times have you been sitting idling (and wasting gas at the same time), waiting for imbeciles to try to maneuver out of a spot that could fit the entire Nutty Professor family reunion? Personally, too many to count. If you are not able to exit a space as simple as this YOU DO NOT DESERVE A DRIVERS LICENSE. It is simply not fair to fellow drivers. Take a half hour with someone who knows how to drive and practice, ask for tips, and figure it out. It is so easy to adjust once you learn. Please! for the sake of everything that is road-worthy. We beg you. We plead to you. I have actual tears rolling down my face now. Here’s the breakdown:

• She starts off easing out slowly which is good, but she clearly has no feel for the length and width of her car. We mentioned this earlier, but we see now how important it is. As she clears the car to her left, giving her ample room to cut the wheel all the way to the right, which would have put her in a better position for the second wheel cut-back to the left. Instead she stays basically straight and has now put herself in a horrible position.
• Where she stands now, miraculously she still  has a chance to recover and drive off with two turns of the wheel, but no. She once again shows us how incompetent she is by leaving about four feet behind her, between the car and the wall. She even sticks her head out of the window to see with her own eyes. Yet STILL doesn’t reverse the two or three feet she needs to complete the exit.
• The next move is the move that separates the bad driver from the monumentally brutal drivers. Instead of getting out of her car to inspect the space behind her (this option may sound tedious to some, but the benefit is twofold: 1- she would have ultimately gotten out faster this way as opposed to the option she eventually chose which took almost 3 minutes 2- It would have given her an idea of what 4 feet looks like from the  point of view of the drivers seat, depth perception is clearly not her strong suit) or she could have cut left and right a few times and been on her merry way. Instead, this woman decides to pull back into her spot and proceeds to  attempt THE SAME FREAKING MANEUVER ON THE OTHER SIDE. How dumb is this person? if a good samaritan hadnt walked passed and helped her out she could have been there for days. Search parties would have been sent out. Local news stations would have run stories on the missing woman who has a husband and two small children back home wishing, just praying that their beloved mommy comes home. Starvation and dehydration would have set in. Cell phone batteries weening out on her. There could have been a massive blizzard and frost bite would be a major concern. And all that time this poor helpless woman would be sticking her head out of her g-d forsaken window trying to survive the horror that is pulling out of a spot.

Whew! I will try and pace myself. At this rate, I’ll have a seizure.

To finish, and to use up any energy i have left, here are some random driving “crimes” that are proven to be the direct cause of baldness and graying hair.

1. Crime: Driver waiting to make a left turn sitting at an intersection of a two way street. Just move your ass up 3 feet so people can pass. This frustrates me to no end due to high level of selfishness. If the driver took 4 seconds to think of the people behind him,  he would not be in the spot he is in. It’s all due to laziness. Because of the extra rotation needed when making a sharper turn. Drivers will stay back, so when they do eventually make that turn it will be with a half rotation of the wheel.  Trust me, that is the reason and that is sick.                                                                                       
2. Crime: DWT – Driving While Texting. If the light is green and a texter is the lead car, chances are you will not catch that light. Since they are texting something extremely important like they forgot to feed “Wibbles” the cat.  The chronic breakers will put you in your grave earlier than you would like.
3. Crime: Getting on a highway at 40 mph . There are hundreds upon hundreds of feet of road specifically designed for drivers to speed up to the flow of traffic upon entering a highway. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW THIS? WHY DO PEOPLE NOT CARE? WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE RUINING THE ENTIRE FLOW OF THE DRIVERS BEHIND THEM  ON THE ENTRANCE RAMP NOT TO MENTION, MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE FLOW OF THE RIGHT LANE? WWWWHHHHYYY?
4. Crime: Lost drivers or drivers looking for a spot or drivers looking for an address with a long line of cars behind them. Readers might be asking thinking – “Oh what’s the rush? big deal, so you have to wait an extra minute” . Duly noted, of course it’s not a big deal, but for the love of over-analyzation, drivers are the same as drunkards. The true inner-self of an individual surfaces. When one is drunk their speech filter and emotional guard drop to reveal the “real”  in them. Same with drivers. If you are a moron deep down, you will be a moronic driver. If you are a “nice” person in a bank or supermarket, but really don’t care in the slightest about fellow human beings, then you will be the type of driver that looks for an address while cruising at 7 mph with a motorcade of vehicles behind you.
5. Crime: Not Signaling. Are drivers that thoughtless and inconsiderate? Honestly, this offense is one the most mind-boggling of them all. If you factor in the amount of time it takes to flick the signal up or down and the benefit derived from a successful signaling , it results in the most selfish act man has ever known. Hear me out. When you are driving on a two lane street and you are in the left lane approaching an intersection and the driver in front of you, all of a sudden, stops in the middle of the intersection, apparently for no reason, because of course he is not indicating, so, how in the hell would anybody know what he is thinking? so, now all the cars are zipping passed you in the right lane and you are sitting there stuck in the middle of the intersection just waiting for absolutely no reason because  if his signal had been on 200 feet before the upcoming turn like a normal person you would have eased into the right lane and have been long gone by now but no this wonderful, caring, sweetheart of a guy runs the show and you can do absolutely nothing about it. This is one small example. Since I started driving about 10 years ago, I have made a mental note every single time a driver didn’t signal when they were supposed to. The last count was 14,856,237.
6. Crime: Drivers who short-stop when the light is yellow.   Slow and stupid drivers cause accidents, although they are seldom the ones killed or cited. Slow and stupid drivers think they will get a massive ticket if they go through a yellow light so they slam on the brakes (I’m not talking about when its yellow and by the time you pass thru it will  be red, i’m talking about when its green and it turns yellow as the car ahead of you is 15 feet from the intersection). They think it is safer to slam on the brakes at a yellow because… i’m not sure why.  The chances of getting pulled over going through a yellow light are %0.053, the chances of getting your ass slammed from behind is %43.891. I’m not good at math, so please tell me what that means.
7. The Final and Most Selfish, Narrow-Minded, Reprehensible, Sickening,  Careless, Despicable, Heedless, Mindless, Thoughtless, Inconsiderate Driving Crime is: Driving at or under the speed limit in the left lane. What in G-D’s name are you doing in the left lane going 50mph. This act is one i have been analyzing for years. It is an act i will never truly comprehend. Murder i can understand. Drug-trafficking i can fathom. Grand Theft Auto i can explain.  Sexual Assault I can get the idea. Driving slow in the left lane, i will never, ever even come close to wrapping my head around. I have tried, oh how i have tried, but to get into the minds of people who are  braindead is close to impossible. The reasons i have come up with so far, are # 1: either the perp is so clueless about one of the most well-known, highly necessary rules of the road that to them a freeway is just that. You are free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, at a speed you want to do it. Or #2: The offender had vaguely heard of such a rule years back when they were studying for their learners’ permit but are so self-centered it doesn’t even enter their mind that maybe, just maybe, they are doing something wrong. No, that can’t be. Its a total coincidence that every car on the highway is passing them on their right side and giving them the finger. Must be a mean-spirited area of the state. Or #3: They are so old that at one point or another in their lifetime they actually did know of this rule, but now, being 98 yrs old,  this little tidbit of information has gone to wayside along with their teeth, hearing, and kindness. ( i hate bashing old people, but seriously,  Mildred, stay in the right lane)

Here is one more video of someone that warrants a beating.

Quick story, compliments of a JunkCarNation Contributor:  “Last winter, I saw a car with about three feet of snow on the top. The car came to a stop at a red light, and about 200 pounds of snow slid off the top and covered the windshield. The lady had to get out, in the middle of a busy four-lane street to shovel snow off her windshield. I think that was stupid (and funny) as can be.”

I am medically dehydrated and legitimately exhausted. There is blood coming out of my finger nails. I need a break

Lastly, Cops do dumb stuff too